Does the Person You're Dating Make You Smile
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I hear a lot about folks wanting to find someone with a good sense of humor. It's almost one of those boilerplate pieces on the "master list" each of has carries about with us.
But you know what? I don't think humor is exactly what many of us are
desiring. Perhaps the word is simply shorthand, but I can imagine plenty of readers out there who have, like me, met or even dated people with great senses of humor that weren't really a good match.
I think better questions to ask are ones
like the following four:
Does the person I'm with easily bring a smile to my face, sometimes without even trying to?
Is laughter a regular part of our experience together?
Does his/her's humor add to the relationship?
Are
we playful together?
I have had a few short term relationships with women who sometimes used humor to blame others, or avoid conflicts. Furthermore, I have dated genuinely "funny" women with whom I rarely, if ever, felt that spontaneous smiling
and joy arising with. We could laugh at each others' jokes, but there wasn't any depth beneath that. It was more like entertaining each other, and when that wasn't happening, the basic level of happiness just wasn't present for the most part.
It's
worth considering what lies beneath the surface of humor. Because it's easy to be attracted to folks with a good sense of humor, but there's a lot more to a conscious relationship than being funny.
Listening to Your Heart's Desire
When I truly listen to what my heart is calling out, and trust it's wisdom, things tend to turn out well. Which isn't to say that everything goes "my way," but more that whatever happens, I am fully at peace. There's little or no second guessing.
No frantic worrying spinning out in all directions. No guilt, shame, or long lasting suffering.
In an age where we have 24/7 access to other peoples' opinions, and are surrounded by an endless amount of subtle and not so subtle cues about
what dating and relationships "should" look like, it's difficult to not get hooked by something "out there." You hear about the latest best seller dating book and think "Maybe that will have the answers I need." Or maybe your friends and family
are constantly giving you opinions about who you are dating, and you feel torn between supporting your friends and living your own truth. Perhaps you've been taking the same approach to dating for years and find yourself feeling dead and lonely,
but everyone else seems to be doing the same thing, and you're afraid to stand out in the crowd by doing something different.
If you feel swamped by all the dating opinions coming at you. If you feel stuck in patterns that don't serve you,
or any relationship you are in. If you are afraid to take risks anymore because of the countless hurts you've experienced in the past.
If any or all of these are true, it's time to pause. Time to tune out the noise of the world around you
and listen to what's coming up. To feel the fear. The confusion. The angst. The loneliness. To let all of that move through you until the truth of the moment calls. Everyone has had those moments when something seems to click, where all the effort
to find an answer breaks down and suddenly a voice or an understanding appears and you know just what to do. A lot of us tend to think this kind of thing is accidental, or a stroke of good luck, but neither of those is really true.
You
can learn to quiet down, slow down, and listen for the truth of the moment. And if you apply that skill to your dating life, I bet you'll start to see all the opinions and stories of others as just that: opinions and stories. Instead of being
a slave to society's narratives about dating, or your friend's and family's narratives about dating, you can finally learn what is it that your heart desires in a relationship. And locating that, it will be that much easier to listen to the heart's
desire of the person you're with. In other words, you can be fully alive and authentic with each other.
But it all starts with you, and your willingness to listen to your heart's desire, again and again.